WE BACK AND WE BETTER BABY!

~ 444, 11:11, 22, 11 ~

{ Quick little note from the author: Hey y’allll!! I have not been on here for awhile. I feel like I am in a damn good spot in life and I have never felt this happy in a long time. Soooo here I am enjoying my life and being sooo busy that I end up falling asleep at 10 pm most nights… LOL. It is also 11 days until my 22 birthday guysssss… What a magical age to be turning, 22. I ammm old. }

This year, 2021, has been kind of crazy. I feel like I was really put to the test or something. I was at the lowest of lows. My energy was drained, I was vibrating at a low assss frequency, I even disliked myself and judged myself a lot. Once I was dumped, I took those few days, actually weeks venting, crying, distracting myself with friends, family, work…

(QUICK SHOUTOUT: everyone who supported me through the darkest of times, much love).

Overtime things started to get easier. I was not crying as much, I started to have better days, I was meeting new people and living my life. I talked with a very kind lady who read my tarot cards… She was the one who really gave me hope and motivation to take care of myself and start my self-love journey.

I GOT 2 WORDS FOR Y’ALL… POSITIVITY AND PATIENCE…

Really believe in the things you want in life, your goals and what not. Manifest that shit and watch things start to go good for you in no time. Be grateful for the things you have, love hard, be kind, watch your back, be selfish, go big or go home.

When you focus on the positive things in life… the better side of things, you start to see things feel better. I have never been this confident in my damn life. I have to be doing something right.

Well this is all I have for now, until next time. Keep being positive and being YOU!

XOXO,

Jazzabelle

Your Subconscious Mind Can Guide You

So, I have recently come across spirituality. I never really dove into that realm.. I thought it was complete nonsense to be honest. But recently I have seen things and felt things that have helped guide me to a sense of contentment.

I could honestly care less if anyone who is reading this, thinks this is complete BULLshit. But once again, this is something that has personally helped ME.

In the 20 years of my life, I have always felt a disconnect with myself. I’ve always hated who I was, what I looked like, the choices I made. I was just so negative…

Recently I just did some reading online, this book titled “The Power of Your Subconscious Mind“ by Joseph Murphy. This book is my new guide to life hahahaa. Your mind has two parts to it, the conscious and subconscious.. the conscious thoughts are what guide you, it is everything you think of, and your choices you make. All of that.

The subconscious follows and does what you tell it to do… for example: if you tell yourself all the time that “I just can’t sleep, and nothing helps me sleep” then your subconscious mind will therefore keep you awake and you will not get sleep.

“Your subconscious mind is like the soil, which accepts any kind of seed, good or bad.” — The Power of Your Subconscious Mind by Joseph Murphy.

Basically, if you bring upon negative thoughts, then you will manifest these into your reality..

Your subconscious mind is what controls your breathing, your heart, things you do not have to think about. So your subconscious does NOT have the ability to decipher whether your thoughts are good or bad.. but it will react either way and bring forth negative or positive outcomes. It is all up to you..

I promise you, it is as easy as saying “I am going to be healthy and successful and do big things.” And you will start to see the changes in front of your eyes…

My experiences may be different from yours, but this is given me something to hold onto. This has given me the confidence to succeed and grow, To not stop and to tell myself that I deserve the best in my life. And I am going to keep growing…

Thank you for reading this and I hope you too, will find your reason for being. Keep pushing on. You got this.

Do Whatever Makes You Happy

A friend once told me,” At the end of the day, you only have you.” Do not rely on other people to make yourself happy. This is true… If you dropped everyone in your life, you would really only have yourself. And if you’re not okay with yourself, then you will be stuck with that pain by yourself.. It is time to make yourself a priority.

I have realized in the past few months, that after I hit rock bottom, I needed to make some changes in my life. I would always focus on other people’s happiness instead of my own. I have decided to make a promise to myself and start focusing on me.

I used to think focusing on myself was selfish… But whatever, be selfish. Do what YOU got to do to be happy. If someone tries telling you not to do something that you love, then that person obviously does not care about the things you love. You will find a lot of selfish people walk through your life, but do not let them take over. Take control of your own life.

If people do not want to be a part of your life, then that’s on them, not you. Sit back and start to make a list of the people who are always there for you no matter what. You should not have to be friends with people who only care when it is convenient for them… Drop those people from your life. It is easier said than done, it always is. But just trust me on this one.

I am telling you, from personal experience, that fixing these little things will make you feel like you just dropped 10 tons off of your shoulders. And THEN you can start focusing on yourself and doing what’s best for you.

P.S. Once you make your mental health and feelings a top priority, you have made the 1st step towards self love and happiness.

Understand Your Disorders and Take Control!

The one thing that has truly helped me feel better about having anxiety, depression, and AMPS, was actually getting to know my disorders and accepting them. The more you educate yourself on them, the more in control you will feel.

I am NOT saying to Web M.D. symptoms of a disorder and self diagnose yourself. Even though most people will… But, with disorders like depression and anxiety, you should really get diagnosed by a specialized doctor; maybe a psychologist or a psychiatrist. Any health issue should be properly diagnosed by a doctor.

After being diagnosed by a doctor, I would read books about how you can learn to take control of your anxiety, or read a scholarly article about depression. I have even taken classes in school that have covered topics about my disorders. I have met other people who have the same/similar disorders and shared our stories with one another.

Do not be afraid to share that you have a disorder. It makes you, YOU. It may not be the easiest thing to share, and you do not have to tell people about it if you do not want to. Just do not feel like less of a person, just because you have a disorder.

Little by little and day by day, I grow as a person and become happier.

🙂

My Relationship With My Mental Health

I can’t remember an exact time when my journey with mental health began. I want to say it all started when I was in fifth grade and my father was deployed to Iraq for a year. I didn’t really know what to expect, because I have never been through this before. I’ve seen this in movies and it looked really sad, but I couldn’t relate at the time. Then in seventh grade, my dad was deployed again for a year, but this time to Afghanistan. When my dad came home this time, he was not my dad. He was so different. He was very aggressive and it was just really scary to see my dad be so different. I probably should’ve gotten some help from therapy or counseling, but I didn’t.

In 8th grade I thought it would be my best bet to hurt myself, because I felt very hopeless and sad all the time. With my dad being so different and my family having problems, I did not know what else to do. On top of that I did not know how to handle my emotions, and this is probably when I really should’ve received some help but once again I did not.

Fast forward to high school, nothing significantly happened to me, but I was a very emotional person. I would have panic attacks at night and wake my mom up from crying so loud, and I would not stop crying until I fell asleep. Then, My junior year I was diagnosed with Amplified Musculoskeletal Pain Syndrome. It was a very confusing diagnosis for me , and it even took me a long time to find out what was wrong with me. When I did find out, it bothered me because there was no cure for this. Basically with this condition, if my friend was messing around and slapped me, it would feel like they just punched me. I also lost some weight and was not able to gain any because of this condition. I was 90 pounds and as a 16-year-old that was not really healthy. It physically hurt me to eat. I lost a lot of friends during this dark time. I did not want to leave my bed, so I would cut off plans with my friends. They probably thought I was blowing them off, but I just wanted to lay in bed. It was the most comfortable place for me to be. I was just very confused with my own body and it messed with my head. I ended up going see a pain management team in Hartford to help me cope with my condition. I also met a few other people my age that were suffering from the same chronic condition that I was.

Now in my freshman year of college, I thrived. I did not think I was going to make it here. I did not think I was going to go to college because of how dependent I was on my mother. I did not expect myself to live at college and focus on my future. I think my freshman year experience was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I learned how to be independent, I met my boyfriend, I met many friends, and I just truly enjoyed myself. I was so busy with all of these new experiences, that I did not have room to think about my emotions. At the end of freshman year, I was only home for about a week and I was given the news that my father was cheating on my mother. A 20+ years marriage now down the drain. This was my dad who I thought was my hero. Who was I supposed to trust now? At this point, I was very hopeless and my trust issues were at an all-time high. I did not know how to feel about this news, and surprisingly I was okay with the idea of my parents getting a divorce. Maybe I was in so much shock that my true feelings were masked. Little did I know, that this was going to be the start of the worst time of my life yet. I now found out that I would have to move out of the only house that I have ever known. This was the only house I ever lived in. So many memories were made here. I moved into my new apartment with my mom and my sister. I had to share a room with my mom, because we could only afford a two room apartment. This was a new experience and really hard for me to deal with. New experiences and changes were not really my favorite thing.

Fast forward to my sophomore year of college. I knew it was going to be hard because of all the changes that happened over the summer. Maybe it would be good though, because at least I would have my own room. I also knew my boyfriend would be leaving in the spring semester, so I tried my hardest to make it the best semester yet. I struggled very bad with my emotions. I really clung onto my boyfriend because, I didn’t get much affection anymore and love that I needed. My dad’s relationship with me was not very good, and my mom was busy as well with these changes. My boyfriend was like a security blanket. He helped me through these horrible times. But knowing that he was going to be leaving next semester was very scary, because I don’t know if I was going to lose him too. I had lots of panic attacks this semester and struggled, but I did see a therapist at school that helped me focus on working through my emotions.

I was just about to move in for my spring semester. I got to school and I started to unpacked my bags. About 2 to 3 hours after moving in, I had a major panic attack and I ended up leaving school and confessing to my mom that I needed to get serious help. I felt so hopeless and I knew I wouldn’t kill myself, but I really just didn’t want to live. The next day I went with my mom to the emergency room, and I waited over six hours to speak with somebody to figure out what I was going to do. My intentions were to maybe talk to a professional psychologist or something, but it was a little different than I expected. I was taken into a psychiatric ward where I had to stay overnight until I could speak to somebody in the morning. Nobody was allowed to stay with me, not even my mom. It was really really scary, but I knew that this was what I needed to do to get the help that I needed. —————————————————————————-
The next day I was transferred to the Pond House in Lawrence & Memorial Hospital, it was an inpatient psychiatric facility. I was only able to have two visits a day for an hour, and could only make calls at certain times of the day. I really felt like I was in jail. It was probably the closest thing to jail that I would ever experience. After the first day of being there, I decided I could not be angry. I was there to get help. I ended up making friends, older people and even people my same age. Some of the people there were worse off than I was. I was not going to kill myself, so I was not looked after as much. I was probably only there for about three days. When I left I felt very weird. I was not able to have my phone while I was in the facility, I was pretty much cut off from the world, so I was a little nervous to be in the real world again. I can definitely say that it was an experience that I needed. I learned a lot about myself and got the tools to help me handle my emotions better. I was also put on a medication to help with my depression, and it has worked wonders for me.

I still have bad weeks to this day, but I am able to work through all of my problems by myself. I am happier with myself and want to be here. I only have one life, so I need to make it the best life.

(I wrote about my experiences because I want to hopefully help other people who struggle with similar things. Please email me with any questions or if you need any advice.)